Friday, March 26, 2010

I love New Orleans so much I really thought he and I would get married and live there. I felt at home and I was in love - but it just hurt too much. I just wanted to come first in someone's eyes, I never felt like I was top priority and I know that sounds selfish but when you only see someone a few times a year I want their attention. Maybe that's too much but that's what I need.
I never felt good enough, I felt like I was the girl "they" always talked about, that was weird and not like them. Someone they could feel charitable for talking to and make fun of when they weren't. And in the end they/you all proved me right.
I always felt like I was reaching to be something I wasn't. Either trying to change for him or trying to let him off in order for him to feel better - when all I really wanted to be was enough, why wasn't I enough? I have never hurt so much as the morning I waited for my own cab to go back to my apartment in the North.
I'll never understand why.